the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
