Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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