Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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