I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
