and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
