you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
