Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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