Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
