We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
