I'm passing your future prison.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
