i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
