I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
