it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
