Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
