Someone shit on the floor
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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