I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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