I bet he comes in French.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
