what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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