I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
