Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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