No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
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Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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