i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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