I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
