U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
