I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
