She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
