I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
