i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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