AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
