I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
