I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I supernannyed him into submission
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
