i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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