super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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