i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
