Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
