Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize