my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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