there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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