i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
