I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
