im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
