he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??