I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
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She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.