Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?