So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
