Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down