i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
