Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
