dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
