Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think my vagina is haunted
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood