I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just gift wrapped bread.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?