I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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