apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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