I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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