Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
