he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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