she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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