....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
