The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
