I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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