I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
