you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
